Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

A guide to man-machine interface

USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-INSULTING
C:\ DUR
F*ck off
C:\ DIR
F*ck off

USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

Real users never use the Help key.

Real users never stop asking new options.

Real users never know what to do with new options.

If computer errors were written as haikus

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

Computers are Like Men...

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  
• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
  
• They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
  

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  
• You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
  

The 8 Types of Supporters

The Eager Beaver: "Sure, I can write an emulation program by this afternoon ... one of those new boxes? I'd sure like to get my fingers into one. I think I know where there's one just down the hall ... "

The Know-it-All: "Well, I could tell you how to do that ... but I think I could recommend a better approach ... "

The New Kid: "Do you have a dog? ... My name? I'll have to get back to you on that."

The Psycho: "READ MY LIPS, YOU BOZO! Are you STUPID or something?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

The Counselor: "Oh my. Oh dear. Uh huh ... yes ... and then what happened? ... yes, I have plenty of time ... oh, no, no problem, that's my job ... "

The Intimidator: "Why did you do THAT?! Haven't you had any TRAINING?! Don't you know Section 5.1.2.1.1 of the IEEE spec?!"

The Veteran: "Oh! That's there for backward compatibility. They added it in rev 2.00.03 but they didn't document it."

The Crispy Critter: "I don't know. I don't care. Your problem, that says it all, I have my own to take care of. Why are you using this product, anyway?"

To err is human ...

To err is human; to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Real Stories from a Virtual World

Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.

A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Computer Problem Questionnaire

1. Describe your problem.
   
2. Now, describe the problem accurately.
   
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
   
4. Is your computer plugged in?
   
5. Is it turned on?
   
6. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
   
7. Have you made it worse?
   
8. Have you read the manual?
   
9. Are you sure you've read the manual?
   
10. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
    
11. Do you think you understood it?
    
12. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
    
13. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
    
14. If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
    
15. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
    
16. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
    
17. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
    

Top Explanations by Programmers

Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to have a malfunction.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your data.
I have not touched that module!
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidense.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Computer Messages: what they say and what they mean by it

Press Any Key.

Press any key you like but I'm not moving.

Press A Key.

Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key.

Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E...

... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.

Installing program to C:\...

... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.

Not enough memory.

I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.

Cannot read from drive D:...

...however, if you put the CD in right side up...

Please Wait...

...indefinitely.

Directory does not exist...

....any more. Woops.

The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.

....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.

The best way to accelerate a Win9x machine is at 9.81m/s².

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.

How many Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again."
"It's in the manual. Didn't you read the manual?"
"The bulb was fine; you just forgot to turn the switch on."
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?"
"Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence."

How many first-time computer users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.
One, but only if "light bulb" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.